On the up side, I’ve also been working on my room…so we’ll be doing another coat of paint at the weekend, and laying the carpet down whenever a door is fitted (still not sure what’s going on with that). Maybe when my room is all finished, I’ll have the chance to sit and play dominoes or Cubilete or something. Or better still, I could just sit and write.

I wish I had more internet time. Hell, I only found out what the whole ‘double rainbow’ thing was about yesterday! >:

Maybe next week I’ll be free to change things on here and sort stuff out. Maybe then, I can start my early take on NaNoWriMo, and get my novel finished in August. <3 And, of course, that wedding portrait I started a week ago.

I also took the liberty of cleaning up some of my past blog posts…and, when I say cleaning up, I mean erasing from existence.

It’s amusing how one’s priorities change over time. I found it vaguely amusing to note, in fact, that in the last month or so, I’ve gone from desperately seeking an A in Philosophy, to praying for BBB overall at the least.

Perhaps in a few more months, I’ll look back and think it’s not the end of the world if I get BBC, or something.

Or maybe I’m just kidding myself.

…UCAS? My offer has been declined, because I didn’t answer you on time? Well, maybe if you’d bothered to send me the letter I never had through the mail, maybe I might have bothered to respond.

I hate this country so much. And I hate our political election system. Proportional representation, please. I mean, seriously? When your country shares a system with similarities to America, where the illuminati parade their existence on the dollar, I think it’s quite self-evident that there’s a problem.

Let’s hope that it’s at least a slight victory for the Liberal Democrats, and we have a coalition government. I’d love to see Conservatives-Liberal Democrats, really. I’d prefer Liberal, but, Conservative has always been my second choice. Anything to keep Labour out of government. I’m a little concerned about the possibility of Proportional Representation though. It would literally make things impossible for conservatives…so, they’re highly unlikely to agree to that. Their whole party relies on unfairness. Even if they are pretty good at doing what’s best for our country. The last thing I’d want is for Labour to have any part in government…which they would. But, hey…a victory for the Liberals is the only thing that counts.

Anyhow, I could talk politics to myself forever. I have Philosophy notes to organise and type.

On a side note…did I actually ever tell you my grade for that?

It was an A/B. An ‘A’ overall, in case anyone was wondering. Completely forgot about that.

I suppose that’s what you get for not saving your old firefox passwords on a regular basis. Other than that, the lack of cookie files, the fact that half of my files are still on my iPod video; and the fact that whenever I boot up a 3000×5000 px or larger piece of art on the GIMP, combined with MSN, iTunes and FF; my computer finds it necessary to tell me that I “don’t have enough RAM”, this new PC isn’t so bad.

It looks like Windows 7, thanks to some lengthy modifications…so, that’s a step up from my old vista theme. And everything’s a lot neater, when you only have half of your files. It’s a little slow though. I’ll have to defrag every once and a while and keep my HD free, to compensate. I kind of feel bad now, for complaining about my Shuttle PC; when I didn’t defragment it once in the whole 2 years or so I had it.

Shame. Shame I have absolutely no idea which part of it needs to be replaced, either.

Oh; and business cards. There’s another update.  So…I recieved my 500 cards in the mail. Quickly delivered, of course…and that’s about all I was impressed with. The print job was awful, and the size wasn’t even business card size. So I went with a more local printer and they turned out perfect! Not only that, but also, they must have sent me way too many or something; because I have 300-something cards. <3 And the envelope people sent me an extra 14…so, I have 264 finished and packaged, signed envelopes with cards in. I’m handing the rest of the cards out as normal, but I’ll probably throw in an enveloped one once and a while.

I’ll probably update sometime later with a photograph of them, when my camera shows itself.

And in recent S news, S is deeply considering seeking some sort of…well…psychiatric help is a bit much for an explanation. Just…something? I don’t know. Depression medication would be nice. I’m a bit stumped, really. I’ve been thinking about it for about four years; but whenever I get close, I tell myself that it’s a bad idea. That it’ll go down on my permenant record of being crazy.  Eugh. I don’t know. I guess I’m just frustrated, and a bit angry with everything right now. At people, for not realising when to leave me alone…and at myself, for not being able to tell them to leave me alone. And everything else, of course. Exam stress, not being able to get things finished…the fact that I’ve just lost both my Biology and English essays (from the holidays), due to this whole computer malfunction. I just feel like there’s no point in anything anymore. D: That I might as well just give up. :B I guess i just feel depressed all of the time…and nobody is willing, or perhaps able to help me.

Which I suppose is where the contemplation of seeking help comes in. Somehow it seems like the only person in the world that I can talk about all this to is half way across the world…and if there’s anyone here; well; they probably wouldn’t want to waste their time with me. What’s going through my head right now is…a bit weird to explain in text, on the internet…and the last thing anyone wants is to end up being noticed; and then to have all of that pulled back from the depths of cyberspace. So I’m not going to explain to you, you metaphorical, non-existent, possibly metaphysical readers of mine. I’m not going to go into depth with it…because…well, you probably wouldn’t know what the hell I was talking about anyway.

Either way…whatever it is that I have to say – but can’t to the vast expanse of the internet – the bottom line still stands. I like how things are. I like how things are going. And I don’t want them to change. There’s nothing wrong with the way I am (or at least, nothing in the sociological sense), and there’s no reason for me to start conforming to everyone else’s norms now – as there never has been a point in it anyway. So, no. People can try all they like; but it’s not going to happen. I’ve been a mess for 10 years, and as horrible as it is to be that way, it’s all I know now. Better I work things out with the rationalist approach, than go all empirical.

On the plus side; I was informed that I did in fact write at A grade standard on my Philosophy papers…so I was given the wrong mark. I’m not really fussed if they give me another B on my remark, to be honest. Just knowing that I’m not a failure is good enough.

And I just finished a huge several-week-long task about three minutes ago, when I placed my £50 order for 500 business cards. I’m really surprised at how cheap they turned out – especially since I upped the features to double-sided glossy colour, foil and 3 day delivery. Some time next week, I should be sliding them into the little black envelopes that came today.

As it goes, though, I preferred the blue colouring on the cards to the red. I asked a few people, and apparently the red was a bit harsh…which has made me think a little about the site design. I never did manage to incorporate blue into it. Well, I’m about to correct that with some portraiture. I’m off to paint a colour portrait for the main page. I’m not sure how, or what theme I’m going for…but, I figured I should do something, since my current enter page is just a rush job that I made so I could put everything else in motion.

I have a huge list of people I don’t know. Most of which have accounts all over the place. It’s only a matter of time before a spam volcano erupts and clutters every blog post with adverts for obscure chinese inventions.

9 Days til midnight! Midnight being Results day…and 9 minutes being 9 days. I can see two possible scenarios to it. One, I get my results in the morning, mope for an hour in Philosophy; then hold back the tears as I sit outside M31 (M32? Who knows.) Or, two, I’ll be running around telling everyone, and being all ‘KJDJ2340049034939IHAVEAN’A'NOW’. I hope it’s the latter. Another B in Philosophy would kill me.

While I wait for that, I need to finish start my English coursework draft, due in on Friday, revise for tomorrow’s Biology mock exam…and do a billion and one more tasks that have been piling up over the last month. On the plus side…The novel is doing well. Or…it was, until the stress of this workload gave me writer’s block. D:

24hoursuntilLost!

Not much to say at the moment. College has finished for 2009, and I have a hell of a lot of revision to get through. Philosophy mocks x 1000, biology mocks to find, biology AS unit 1 to revise, and the new A level unit…and Critical thinking – although I don’t think the latter will be difficult at all. I’ll probably end up stuck with a horrific ‘B’ grade again though. I really need to shake this string of Bs I keep being stuck with. It’s rather depressing to look at your report card and see a string of Bs. Makes me feel like a failure.

Anyhow, that’s what the new year’s for, right? My resolution and all – getting a good AAB for my A levels; and to crack down on the plot of my novel. Seriously, 40 drafts later; and I’m still asking if I should run with Rico’s past, or his present. Srsly, I don’t think I’m going to meet my “It’ll be done by the end of 2010″ quota. At this rate, I’ll still be scribbling chapters when people are looking up at the sky for the so-called apocalypse in two years time. LOL. I’m looking forward to the aftermath of  that – the transition between terror and the mocking of the naive for the rest of time.

Glad to see I’m on the Optimism boat now.

…Wait, how’d I get here? D: I was talking about snow! Uhh. Well, yeah. I guess I don’t have much to say. Making the most of the weekend, since I’ll start doing mock philosophy questions on Monday, and probably wont stop til Xmas. <3! I should get back to writing…

Snow! <3

LOL.

I haven’t posted here in a LONG time…in fact, I haven’t submitted any art in a while, either. But then, I haven’t been doing much of it, between revision and questioning “Where the hell is my life going?” I’m sure I’ve come to a conclusion that will maximise my capacity of knowledge-obtaining…but I’m also sure than in five years, I still wont be satisfied, and will probably be grasping at all sorts of things to learn more. But there has to be a cut off point, right? I’d say that over ten years of university study is more than enough of a reason to make that cut-off point. And if I’m really that desperate to “learn everything”, I can start picking off languages, or mastering chess.

As far as being the next scientific ‘prodigy’ goes…I think I’ve discarded the idea. I’ve had people talk to me all my life as though I’m supposed to be the next member of MENSA…but, I think I’m just fine with playing the normal card. Is it really smart to distance yourself further? And do I really have what it takes? I don’t think I’m quite willing to jump off that high horse just yet. I like that line of thinking…but I’m not confident enough to believe it. I’m not even sure if it matters if I do anything ‘extraordinary’ with my life. Who will remember? What good will it do? The future of our whole system – of our planet, our species and our culture – is uncertain. I don’t see much of a point to sacrificing my potential happiness for causes which might be in themselves, futile. Not when I can just as easily sit back and contemplate matters of life through the eyes of a philosopher, as I have been doing for the last ten years.

It still takes a lot of time, effort, patience and focus to get to where I’m heading…the biggest question for me now is if I’m capable of standing in front of a bunch of students from 9-5, teaching them without making them fall asleep. I’m confident that I can stand there. (In the last year, I have to be honest…I think I’ve become rather a spotlight-snatcher). I’m just not confident that I’m interesting enough.

When people talk to me, I feel as though there’s something about what I’m saying, or the way I’m saying it, that makes them fall asleep. To be honest, only a few friends and my teachers seem willing to sit and listen to me waffle on for fifty minutes about nothing. I don’t know if that’s because both the former and the latter are obligated, by position, to listen to a friend/student…or if they’re genuinely interested. I’d like to think the latter, but lacking self esteem says the former.

I guess the internet is a  different story. You can’t see me. You can’t hear me. If you get tired of what I’m saying, you can search for the ‘Tl;dr’, or just skip ahead…

Perhaps university will boost my confidence…but, when it’s A level students I want to teach…if I’m boring them to death, do I really stand a chance? Philosophy, and Physics, respectively, aren’t the most easy of subjects to grasp. I’ve seen first hand that a lot of people seem to be quite uninterested in the extraordinary fundamentals of Philosophy…and I can’t imagine that anyone would be much different with a restricted core such as A level Physics.

I’ll have to wait and find out, I suppose. Until then…I’ll always have my potential quest for a M.Sc. in Physics; and my unquenchable thirst for knowledge.

I have myself to blame, for choosing a Puerto Rican as my main character, I guess. It’s a given that I’m going to start talking about aluminum foil; and the amazing assortment of ‘colors’ I can make out of a few prismalos. Oh; and…it seems as though I’ve been using a lot of Zs when I shouldn’t be, too.

Srs bsns, this. I’m BRITISH. I must type like a Brit…Although, I mean that in the most literal sense of “born in Britain”, hence, obey British language laws.

LOL. LAWS. I’m starting to sound like a grammar Nazi.

…maybe talking like an American isn’t such a bad thing? I’ve become a little sick of people telling me I make typos; when I’m actually typing their language as it was supposed to be written.

…Damn internetz.

…Or maybe I should just rethink the structural origins of my character.

That seems like the logical thing to do.

(Also…LOL. I wonder how many other people have walked into the art store, bought prismalos and then proceeded to say, “LOL. They look just like prismacolors…why can’t they sell the proper thing?” Srsly. Does nobody know about good American-made art tools? Most things to leave that country…fail. But not art supplies! Nao! They’re genius.)

And on the subject of V, I’ve also considered doing a few sketches…like, age progression-y things. I saw a few internet memes on DA with this sort of thing…where they draw a character at different stages in their life. I was doodling the other day and came up with:

in my infinite boredom. As you can tell, drawing children is NOT my forté, but I’m learning. It’d be nice in the future to be able to sketch all of my characters at different ages. I guess V’s just more…interesting, in that respect, because of how long ago his childhood really was D: Common logic might assume he’d never even had one. >: But that’s not the case. Still sort of in decision-limbo with his actual age. I’m thinking 33-36, someone else said 30; another 24-28; and he’s pretending to be 45…so…this is a pretty large range right there. 24-45. I’d like to use a mean value; but…I don’t have enough suggestions. Maybe it’s time for S to make use of her new DA sub?

(I still have no idea who donated that to me. But I LOVE them. I’m so happy : D I don’t have to lose my Beta testing skillz.)

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